Credit CNBC
Hostage negotiators face some of the most stressful, complicated situations on the planet - what happens when they use their skills in everyday life scenarios instead?
Reading Time: 10 minutes for full analysis + key takeaways highlighted throughout
Key Question: What can a hostage negotiator teach us about everyday life?
My Take: Hostage negotiators are experts in reading people, scenarios, and motivations. They predict people like a chess game, looking 2, 3, 4, or more moves ahead to see what actions and reactions will lead to, in search of the best outcomes. These principles also apply to everyday life—it’s much easier when lives aren’t always on the line.
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Let’s dive in.
Hostage negotiators are specialized law enforcement or military professionals trained to resolve high-stakes crisis situations through communication. Operating in life-or-death scenarios, such as active hostage takings, barricaded suspects, and suicide interventions, their primary objective is to de-escalate and reach a peaceful resolution without resorting to force.
Their core value lies in their ability to manipulate psychological dynamics under intense stress. Using techniques like active listening, tactical empathy, and emotional labeling, negotiators build rapport with perpetrators. This allows them to slow time, defuse extreme emotional states, and move volatile individuals from irrational rage to decision-making.
Hostage negotiators serve as vital assets during an operation. They gather critical intelligence regarding a suspect’s motives, mental state, weapons, and exact location within a facility. This real-time information helps command structures assess risk accurately and guides tactical teams should direct intervention become unavoidable.
Ultimately, effective negotiation saves lives, protecting hostages, bystanders, law enforcement officers, and perpetrators alike.
By substituting discussion for physical force, negotiators provide a reliable alternative to violent entry, reducing liability and preserving human life in the most unpredictable environments.
Chris Voss - Hostage Negotiator
Chris Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator, CEO of The Black Swan Group, and the co-author of the book Never Split the Difference.
From 1986 to 2000, Chriss was a member of the New York City Joint Terrorism Task Force. During his time on this unit and after, he spent 24 years working in the FBI Crisis Negotiation Unit, helping with more than 150 international hostage cases.
After retiring from the FBI, he founded The Black Swan Group, a consultancy and trainer for businesses and individuals on negotiation skills. He also serves as a professor at Georgetown University.
Chris is a regular commentator on CNBC, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News as well as through his social media feeds—which are the basis for this article today.
Chris consistently teaches negotiation skills and how to mindfully position yourself to ensure an optimal outcome.
Here are some of his top lessons.
Lesson #1: How to Get Someone to Talk to You On the Phone
Synopsis: When someone calls you and says, “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” often you think about how long they really mean, what they want to talk about, and what else you have going on in your life. Instead, ask, “Is now a bad time to talk? To this question, there are only two answers: the first being “no, it isn’t,” or, if they say yes, you know it’s a person who can’t talk, and you’ve already solved your issue.
Lesson #2: How to Gain The Upper Hand in a Negotiation
Synopsis: To gain the upper hand in a negotiation, you need to give the other party the illusion of control. Start by asking “what” and “how” questions, which help the other side feel in charge of the conversation. For instance, questioning how it would work pushes them to think of alternative solutions. Guiding them to brainstorm until they arrive at your preferred solution lets you provide the confirmation while they think it was their own idea.
Lesson #3: The Technique of Mirroring
Synopsis: Mirroring is a technique in which you repeat the exact words someone said, guiding them back to that moment and prompting them to expand on that thought using different phrasing. Asking “What do you mean by that?’ causes them to repeat themselves in the exact same way. By mirroring instead, the speaker triggers the listener’s brain to recognize the need to rephrase and explain their point in new words.
Lesson #4: #1 Question to Ask During Job Interviews
Synopsis: Chris’s favorite question to ask in job interviews is “How can I be guaranteed to be involved in projects that are critical to the strategic future of this organization?’’ The goal is to shift their perspective of you by showing you’re thinking about the company’s broader vision. You’re telling them that you want to add value to everybody’s life here, that you want to be with people that are at the highest levels of performance in your company and move everyone forward.
Lesson #5: How to Get on Anyone’s Good Side
Synopsis: During a customer service call, he could tell the other person had had a long day, so he said to her, “You know what? I really appreciate how generous you’ve been with your time.” This changed her attitude—he could tell she felt appreciated and seen. In return, she helped accomplish what he was looking to do. “Most people, if you’re nice to them, can help you if you give them a chance. If you’re just nice to people, it’s amazing what they’ll do for you.”
Lesson #6: How to Talk to Underperforming Employees
Synopsis: When people aren’t performing to a certain standard, we often respond with, “Why didn’t you do that? Do you know you failed in the agreement?” with the goal of accusing them of not performing. Instead, say, “Seems like you have a good reason for not performing.” You want to get people back on track, not push them further away.
Lesson #7: How to Deliver Bad News
Synopsis: In the doctor’s office, they’ll often say, “This is going to hurt,” so then when they hit you with the needle, you appreciate that you were warned and you were braced and prepared for the pain. If, instead, the doctor suddenly stabbed you, you’d be mad. This principle sticks for delivering bad news. If you have bad news to deliver, you should say, “You’re going to react negatively to this. You’re not going to like it. This is going to sound harsh.” This approach primes them for the bad news and makes it come across less harsh.
Lesson #8: Advice on Thinking About Price
Synopsis: Whoever names the price first loses, as it anchors the conversation. People get so price-focused—with deals, price doesn’t make them; it’s often a main deal-breaker. Similarly, your salary doesn’t make your career; your salary gives you the ability to pay your bills while you try to make your career. If you’re underpaid, you can’t pay your bills and thus won’t be able to do your best work. Bringing it back to price, price is really just a sweet spot for both sides where they can go through with the deal.
Lesson #9: The Best Way to Say “No”
Synopsis: His go-to approach to saying “no” without being confrontationally blunt is to ask the open-ended question, “How am I supposed to do that?” This helps reframe the conversation when the opposing party resists completely and tells you to figure it out. Effective negotiation strategy centers on maximizing every term without provoking anger or pushing them away. The secret is maintaining a calm, deferential posture so you can hold your ground without escalating tension.
Lesson #10: The Most Dangerous Negotiations
Synopsis: The most dangerous type of negotiation is one you do not realize you are participating in. Whether you know it or not, you're probably in about 7 negotiations every day. To understand whether you are or not, look for these key triggers:
A conversation involves a person thinking the words “I want”
Enter an interaction hoping to receive a “yes” response
Lesson #11: How Casinos Brainwash You
Synopsis: Casinos rely on precise probabilities to make money, ensuring players win often enough to keep playing. Through large volumes, they make up their small margins over time, which can cascade into large aggregate winnings. Rare wins are accompanied by flashing lights, ringing bells, and loud sirens to create a grand celebration, disguising the fact that players fail more often. Most people struggle to recognize the value of steady trust because big, dramatic wins are so heavily celebrated and seductive that people forget how rarely they happen.
Lesson #12: Never Compromise In An Argument
Synopsis: In contrast to popular methodologies, compromise is guaranteed to leave both parties unhappy and should be avoided. Instead of compromising, negotiators invest time in uncovering the other party’s deeper motivations. Chris uses a unique example of a couple choosing between an artificial and a fake Christmas tree. One preferred artificial trees (for practical and long-term financial reasons), and the other preferred a live natural tree. By digging deeper, they learned that the scent of the real tree brought back childhood memories of family closeness that the one wanted their children to experience. Thus, it was an easy choice to choose the live tree, and no one had to compromise.
Lesson #13: Why Your Kids Don’t Talk To You
Synopsis: Children often give brief, uninformative answers when asked about their day. They do this because they often feel parents move on to follow-up questions without genuinely processing or acknowledging their first response. Additionally, when children share a negative experience, parents often question the child’s perspective or offer unsolicited advice rather than validating their feelings. As a result, parents often prioritize judgment and lectures over active listening, which causes children to shut down and avoid sharing details about their lives.
Lesson #14: An Easy Trick to Close More Deals
Synopsis: The fear of loss is the most powerful motivator in human decision-making when trying to get a buyer to make an offer. If buyers feel cornered or pressured, they will push back or act against their own best interest out of spite. Before introducing loss, address and validate the buyer’s perspective by acknowledging their belief that there is plenty of inventory or that the asset is not unique. Only after acknowledging their point of view should you frame the risk of loss.
Lesson #15: An Easy Trick to Get What You Want
Synopsis: In a conversation, take a few moments to restate and summarize the other person’s perspective before presenting your own point of view. This helps you practice active listening. People appreciate feeling genuinely understood. Demonstrating understanding often prompts the other party to voluntarily agree with your ideas, making agreement effortless.
Lessons Learned from a Hostage Negotiator
Chris’s perspectives span everyday life circumstances like phone calls, negotiations, job interviews, sales conversations, casinos, holidays, conversations with your kids, and many more.
Mindful communication underlies each of these scenarios. The way we communicate shapes how others respond. For instance, if you communicate politely, you’re more likely to receive a pleasant response back, and vice versa.
In our everyday interactions, how mindful are we of our communication styles, body language, and word choice?
If you’ve ever found yourself in the scenarios described above, you likely didn’t communicate the way Chris recommends. To be explicit, I’m not arguing his way is the “perfect” way by any means, but I do think it is interesting to see how he approaches the scenario compared to how we would.
Every interaction is a negotiation, and every action is a conversation. Being mindful of what we discuss, how we discuss it, and where we discuss it can be the difference between life and death (in Chris’s case) or between optimal and suboptimal outcomes in ours.
That’s a wrap on this deep dive.
Drew Jackson
Founder & Writer
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